Wednesday, August 19, 2009

(Gross) Confessions of a New Mom

I've been debating about even writing this post for fear of your judgments.  Not your judgments on my parenting style, or if I'm a 'good' mom or not...but if you will think I'm just sick in the head!  You see, I have this image of myself that I try to portray to many eloquent, outspoken, classy (to some of you), and a lady.  Well, what I'm going to reveal to you is my more offbeat side...a little weird...and even questionable side (that Michael and Avery see every day).

As a new mom, there are so many things that I've learned.  How to change a diaper, burp a baby, and breastfeed are just a few.  Not every mom does things the same way either.  We have different theories on taking care of an infant, too.  However, there are just some things that you really don't 'fess up' to.  You're in luck...because today's the day I will lift the veil and reveal some secrets about myself as a new mom.  Why? Because I'm real and some of you do it just are too scared to share.  Beware, some of them are not for the weak-stomached readers.

"Oh! The Places You'll (Go) Breastfeed!"

The couch in the confinements of my living room isn't the only place Avery fills her belly.  Here are some random places where Avery demanded she be fed:

1. In the parked car at Ewing Motor Company, Chick-Fil-A, random gas stations, the Mall of Georgia parking lot, a Love's gas station/truck stop

2. Red and Vickie's boat, and on our boat in the middle of Cocktail Cove

3. Target dressing room

4. The Cotton Exchange Restaurant on River Street in Savannah

5. P.E. coach's office at Hebron Christian Academy (she doesn't know that!)

What she doesn't know won't hurt her

I don't ALWAYS feed Avery from a sterilized bottle.  Of course I'll wash it with soap and water. That should be fine, right?  I don't ALWAYS thoroughly wash the breast pump either.  After pumping every feeding for two days straight, that's a lot of washing to do!  What she doesn't know won't hurt her.

Avery's pacifier might fall on the ground, and after a thorough inspection for dust or dog hair, it will go back in her mouth.  God made dirt, and dirt don't hurt!

Speaking of her's been dipped in water, coke, gatorade, sweet tea, or doused with lemon juice to keep it in her mouth.  She likes a little 'flava' in her life:)

After putting on a clean diaper, Avery sometimes has released a toot (with a little something extra) into that clean diaper.  I actually will get a wipe and simply wipe that little something extra out of her diaper...and then fasten it back on! I try to be environmentally conscious and not waste things;) (NOT)

For the first three months of Avery's life, she slept in nothing but her diaper. It's summer and too hot to be wearing PAJAMAS! Besides, it would only dirty another outfit because she would probably spit up on it anyway.  

GROSS Confessions

If you would like to keep the same image you have of me now, you should stop reading.  If you want to know the weird things that I secretly enjoy on!

1. I actually enjoy changing dirty diapers.  A simple wet diaper is boring to me! I love hearing her do her deed in the diaper (yes, it's audible), because then I get to see what gift she left for me to clean up. (I WARNED YOU...YOU CAN BACK OUT NOW IF YOU WANT).  I have a nose like a foxhound, a 'sniffer' I call it, and I can smell a dirty diaper a mile away.  Like this morning for example...I was feeding Avery after a full night's sleep and smelled something so gosh-awful, I thought maybe a raccoon crawled in her diaper and died...or maybe someone stuffed her pants with rotten zucchini...or was it burnt popcorn?  I couldn't wait to finish feeding her so I can actually see what was causing that hazardous smell.  When I opened her diaper, Britney's Spears song was playing in the background "Your Toxic, I'm slipping under..."

2. Speaking of dirty diapers...(Flashback) When Avery was a month old, the Pediatrician told me that a thermometer would help with Avery's colic.  Where I put that thermometer was  another story.  Yes, you figured it out... But he warned me to be ready because something would quickly follow.  Well, my new hobby is helping Avery go to the bathroom every day by using that little trick.  I actually get some kind of entertainment out of it.  Sick, I know.

3. Another gross 'mommy duty' that most people cringe at the the thought of, but somehow I enjoy, involves the infamous "booger sucker".  Yes, my face lights up when I see a 'nose goblin' (quote Ren and Stimpy) in Avery's nose, challenging me to get it out.  If you know me at all, I'm a competitive person and always have to WIN. What do I do?  Reach for that blue tool with a big ball on the end and forge into battle.  You may be hanging on the edge of your seat, wondering, "Did she get it?" What do you think...OF COURSE I DID!  I always win that challenge.

4.  I'm almost done changing your view of me completely...but there's one more gross confession before I go.  Many of you didn't know this, but Avery is a cheese maker.  She began making cheese in the first month of her life.  It's really easy for her because her cheese shop is in the two creases of her neck.  She is very practical.  Any milk that doesn't make it to her mouth, or any milk that comes back up, is stored in the folds of her neck.  She will let it sit for a day and curdle, creating little balls that smell just like Parmesan cheese.  How inventive!  As head of janitorial duties of the cheese shop, I will wait for the right moment and collect the cheese with my finger.  That may not be gross to you...but do you remember me telling you that I'm a 'sniffer'?

Will you still be my friend?

Now that I have told you all of my disgusting secrets, I can only hope you will speak to me in public again.  Mommy-hood is wonderful, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.  As you can see, I love it so much, I even enjoy the gross parts!  Happy Parenting!

Avery playing so Mommy can write her gross post.
She's showing off her cheese shop.  Open for business, we take Cash or Credit.
"What! You told them everything? I'm never gonna make friends!!!"


  1. haha this is so funny....i rly did gag thinking about the cheese shop!!

  2. This is hilarious! I feel like I could agree with (almost) everything! I guess I am pretty gross, too. I hate to change diapers, but I LOVE to see what's in them! I make Jeffrey save it sometimes just so I can see! ;) And the cheese shop is disgusting, but oh so true. Those necks ARE the hardest things to get clean!! Great post...I was laughing out loud =)

  3. I am laughing SO HARD right now I am crying and blowing my abs hurt!!! You crack me up! I so remember doing all the fun stuff you are doing now...nothing like a good booger to brighten your day!! Miss Avery and I will have alot to discuss at practice tomorrow!!