Monday, August 24, 2009

"Not Me Monday"

My life is so perfect, there's no way any of this stuff would ever happen to me ;)
I DID NOT douse my baby's head in glitter when wearing my new cheerleading shirt, with glitter all over it. Avery DOES NOT still have specks of glitter in her hair or on her neck from this incident that DID NOT happen a week ago!
I DID NOT change 4 diiiirrrrrttty diapers back to back to back to back, all within a span of 45 minutes. Not me!
I DID NOT play an evil joke on my husband after my OBGYN check-up. He DID NOT almost receive a heart attack when I told him that I was pregnant again! That's mean, and I WOULDN'T do that.
At that particular OBGYN check-up, I DID NOT have to get off the table, while wrapped in my beautiful 'paper-towel-skirt', to crouch down and console a squalling baby, all while waiting for the doctor to walk in. That beautiful 'paper-towel-skirt' did not rip in all the right places that would totally defeat the purpose of even wearing it! Not me!
I DID NOT pack a bottle of expressed milk in a Ziplock bag surrounded by an ice pack to take to cheerleading practice. That bottle DID NOT somehow leak half of the milk into the bag, and I DEFINITELY DID NOT try to salvage the milk and poor it back into the bottle for later use. Avery DIDN'T drink it either.
Speaking of milk, Avery DID NOT get squirted directly in the eye when taking a breather from eating. Because I have COMPLETE CONTROL of what those things do, I WOULDN'T have allowed that to happen. No way, not me.
While eating out in Augusta this weekend, Avery DID NOT explode in her diaper, causing it to travel against gravity, up her back. Her onesie DID NOT get saturated while I DID NOT rush to the bathroom to find no changing table. I DID NOT lay her on the bathroom floor, atop dish rags from the restaurant's kitchen, and I DEFINITELY DID NOT stop to take a picture of it either.

Also, this blowout DID NOT happen again the next day at lunch, either!
This morning at 6:00 a.m., I DID NOT realize that I left our only wipes on Red and Vickie's boat. I DID NOT search for paper towels next, only to find none. I DID NOT resort to toilet paper from the guest bathroom...and MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT find the most gosh-awful surprise in my toilet that had been there from Michael's football party Friday night after eating pizza and 80 hot wings!!!!! Nope, not in a lifetime.


  1. Too funny! That is why I am thankful Jeffrey's fantasy draft is at a "neutral" location (the clubhouse)! Love the pics of Avery in the floor, too. I take pictures everywhere - capturing the good, the bad, and the ugly. They'll either thank us or hate us for it one day!

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  3. I almost fall out of my chair every time I read your blog. Girl, you have the makings for a great book...."The Secret Life of Motherhood....Things people never tell you about raising children." LOVE IT!!!!!

  4. Girl, you know that you can save all these blogs and print them in a book????If Tori Spelling can write books about nonsense you surely can write stuff that is SOOOOOO TRUE about first time moms.....PEOPLE WOULD BUY IT!!!!

  5. Funny! I can relate to your OB-GYN story. Those visits are a little different now, huh?